The sky is falling and it is just simply too big to stop.
It is not in my power.
I sit here with so many emotions and thoughts running through my head and yet I am at a loss for words.
I am filled and numb all at the same time.
I am a fixer and for the first time I am given the task of dealing with the unfixable.
I could say.......
Of all the things in this world. Of all the people in my life.
But that is not totally true.... I am feeling that right now because I am feeling so helpless and scared, but I know that this would be horrible if it were others I love and I also know that this could be so much worse.
I think about my Aunt who had no chance to say goodbye to her Mother.
Not that I plan on saying it to mine because this thing wreaking havoc inside of my Mother will not win. If I have to jump into her body and take over myself, it will not win.
I am angry that this is here.
Its like someone just dumped a huge pile of the most toxic, smelly shit on my roof and there is nothing I can do about it.
It is just here.
Like it or not.
nanny nanny boo boo
Deal with it, fat boy!
I am so fucking angry right now.
"Give it up to God" my grandmother says.... well, I ask you, if "Giving it up to God" works so damn well and this is how you say that you live your life then why does your daughter have cancer? Why is my Mother in so much pain? WHY? I WANT ANSWERS!!!
I dont like this part of life at all.
Not one fucking bit.
What a huge joke.
I am so angry I could rip the monitor off of this laptop and bash it against the wall 1000 times..
I dont think that it would end there.
Shocked.
Angry.
Scared.
Helpless.
Sad.
I have no words.
Yet, I write so many.
My mind is numb with a thousand thoughts.
Jumbled together like the crossword puzzle nobody will ever be able to find out.
I need a pause button.
I need director commentary to explain all of this to me.
I dont understand this movie.
Meeting Me......for the first time. My journey of losing 350lbs.
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