just so you know

im not avoiding you because I am upset with you or anything. its just that the other day, at the party, you reminded me so much of what my mom used to be that im afraid it will hurt too much to talk to you and have to remember what is gone. I hope you understand.

same same same… or not

I guess this is what it will feel like when she is not here anymore. Nobody to turn to that will listen and understand the way she did. Nobody that will get me and that I don’t have to hold anything back from. I feel like I am on an island all by myself. I feel like everything has been sucked out of me. There is nothing left except a feeling of vacancy. I don’t see how it will ever be ok or feel any different. I don’t have anyone to reach out to. My tethers have been cut and I have no other choice but to deal with it. I am trying to smoke a cigarette but it is futile because I cant even breathe regular air right now. My nose is full of snot, my eyes full of salty water, and my lungs are not working to breathe the way they are supposed to. And then suddenly it stops and a feeling of numb takes over. I guess they call this coping. I feel another layer of hard shell creep over my body in effort to protect me.  All I want to do is crawl back into bed and not exist. Then I think “I cant believe I am not going to have anyone anymore” and it attempts to start all over again, but this time the shell that I just created stops it and pushes the gush of emotion away. Saved for another time. A deeper outburst. Maybe one that I wont be able to come back from. I think of things that might be able to save me from having to feel this again… drugs? alcohol? food? sex?…after all, those are the common things that people use to not feel anymore, right? They don’t seem to be enough so instead I smoke another cigarette and sit some more. I feel cold. Hollow and cold. It will never be what it once was and I just don’t know how to accept that.

The why

It took me forever agonizing over a name for this blog. I picked Hermafriditing Effervesant because it explains everything. I picked the background of grass and a flower or the sun or something simply because it looked like where I wish I were right now. Escape. I am sitting here chewing the inside of my lip like a canibal in waiting. The washing machine is roaring in the background feels like its pleading with me to just let it die already and all I can think of is how I wish I were Oprah. I wonder if she really feels they way she comes off to feel or how I assume she would or should feel. I wonder. I dont even mean for the financial reasons. It has nothing to do with money or..... maybe it does?, but that is kinda what I want to know I guess. Like, how does your heart feel? Your soul? Do you feel lonely? Oh hell I have no idea what the fudge I am talking about. My mood changes from one second to the next. So much right now. Lord have mercy.