I guess this is what it will feel like when she is not here anymore. Nobody to turn to that will listen and understand the way she did. Nobody that will get me and that I don’t have to hold anything back from. I feel like I am on an island all by myself. I feel like everything has been sucked out of me. There is nothing left except a feeling of vacancy. I don’t see how it will ever be ok or feel any different. I don’t have anyone to reach out to. My tethers have been cut and I have no other choice but to deal with it. I am trying to smoke a cigarette but it is futile because I cant even breathe regular air right now. My nose is full of snot, my eyes full of salty water, and my lungs are not working to breathe the way they are supposed to. And then suddenly it stops and a feeling of numb takes over. I guess they call this coping. I feel another layer of hard shell creep over my body in effort to protect me. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and not exist. Then I think “I cant believe I am not going to have anyone anymore” and it attempts to start all over again, but this time the shell that I just created stops it and pushes the gush of emotion away. Saved for another time. A deeper outburst. Maybe one that I wont be able to come back from. I think of things that might be able to save me from having to feel this again… drugs? alcohol? food? sex?…after all, those are the common things that people use to not feel anymore, right? They don’t seem to be enough so instead I smoke another cigarette and sit some more. I feel cold. Hollow and cold. It will never be what it once was and I just don’t know how to accept that.
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