Meeting Me......for the first time. My journey of losing 350lbs.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Cut from the same clothe
So unpredicable this life we live.
Everything stays the same until it doesnt.
Unprepared.
How do you make sure that the ones you love know how much.
It seems that any word or action that could be expressed would never be a true reflection of what is in my heart.
The thought of you makes my chest swell with emotion.
Its not a physical swelling.
How can anyone ever believe that there is no soul.
Its not possible for that feeling to be connected with anything else.
I hope you know what you mean to me.
I hope you know that you are so important to me and loved by me that no matter what we will never be apart.
No earthly strings would ever be the only binding that connects us.
You gave me life and now I wish more than anything that I could give yours back to you as you knew it before.
I would give anything for that.
I would do anything. If someone told me what I had to do, it wouldnt matter.
You were my teacher and my protector and now you are my best friend.
The only one who really understands what I am and who I am.
Twin souls.
I believe.
I will be strong for you.
You have to be strong for you too.
I love you, Mom.
I need you.
I cant do this without you.
I never could.
Everything stays the same until it doesnt.
Unprepared.
How do you make sure that the ones you love know how much.
It seems that any word or action that could be expressed would never be a true reflection of what is in my heart.
The thought of you makes my chest swell with emotion.
Its not a physical swelling.
How can anyone ever believe that there is no soul.
Its not possible for that feeling to be connected with anything else.
I hope you know what you mean to me.
I hope you know that you are so important to me and loved by me that no matter what we will never be apart.
No earthly strings would ever be the only binding that connects us.
You gave me life and now I wish more than anything that I could give yours back to you as you knew it before.
I would give anything for that.
I would do anything. If someone told me what I had to do, it wouldnt matter.
You were my teacher and my protector and now you are my best friend.
The only one who really understands what I am and who I am.
Twin souls.
I believe.
I will be strong for you.
You have to be strong for you too.
I love you, Mom.
I need you.
I cant do this without you.
I never could.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Staunch
Hang in there.
Be strong.
You can do this.
These are the things they all say.
They must be easy to say when its not your core.
They are not easy to hear that's for sure.
Never mind the lack of belief that I find in those words, but think about what they are asking me to do.
Be strong?
When everything is falling apart?
Why should I?
Hang in there?
My world is crashing down around me. What am I to hang out to?
You can do this?
How do you know? You have never done this so what makes you think that I can? And how dare you put all that pressure on me.
You can do this.
Pfft....whatever
What if I don't want to? Don't I get a choice here?
Don't tell me what I can handle or what I can do because you have no idea what this is like.
This is different than anything I could have ever imagined.
Staunch
Because of her
Staunch
For my little one
Staunch
For my Irish twin
But not because everyone else thinks it should be that way.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Be strong.
You can do this.
These are the things they all say.
They must be easy to say when its not your core.
They are not easy to hear that's for sure.
Never mind the lack of belief that I find in those words, but think about what they are asking me to do.
Be strong?
When everything is falling apart?
Why should I?
Hang in there?
My world is crashing down around me. What am I to hang out to?
You can do this?
How do you know? You have never done this so what makes you think that I can? And how dare you put all that pressure on me.
You can do this.
Pfft....whatever
What if I don't want to? Don't I get a choice here?
Don't tell me what I can handle or what I can do because you have no idea what this is like.
This is different than anything I could have ever imagined.
Staunch
Because of her
Staunch
For my little one
Staunch
For my Irish twin
But not because everyone else thinks it should be that way.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Sunday, July 12, 2009
DVD Options
The sky is falling and it is just simply too big to stop.
It is not in my power.
I sit here with so many emotions and thoughts running through my head and yet I am at a loss for words.
I am filled and numb all at the same time.
I am a fixer and for the first time I am given the task of dealing with the unfixable.
I could say.......
Of all the things in this world. Of all the people in my life.
But that is not totally true.... I am feeling that right now because I am feeling so helpless and scared, but I know that this would be horrible if it were others I love and I also know that this could be so much worse.
I think about my Aunt who had no chance to say goodbye to her Mother.
Not that I plan on saying it to mine because this thing wreaking havoc inside of my Mother will not win. If I have to jump into her body and take over myself, it will not win.
I am angry that this is here.
Its like someone just dumped a huge pile of the most toxic, smelly shit on my roof and there is nothing I can do about it.
It is just here.
Like it or not.
nanny nanny boo boo
Deal with it, fat boy!
I am so fucking angry right now.
"Give it up to God" my grandmother says.... well, I ask you, if "Giving it up to God" works so damn well and this is how you say that you live your life then why does your daughter have cancer? Why is my Mother in so much pain? WHY? I WANT ANSWERS!!!
I dont like this part of life at all.
Not one fucking bit.
What a huge joke.
I am so angry I could rip the monitor off of this laptop and bash it against the wall 1000 times..
I dont think that it would end there.
Shocked.
Angry.
Scared.
Helpless.
Sad.
I have no words.
Yet, I write so many.
My mind is numb with a thousand thoughts.
Jumbled together like the crossword puzzle nobody will ever be able to find out.
I need a pause button.
I need director commentary to explain all of this to me.
I dont understand this movie.
It is not in my power.
I sit here with so many emotions and thoughts running through my head and yet I am at a loss for words.
I am filled and numb all at the same time.
I am a fixer and for the first time I am given the task of dealing with the unfixable.
I could say.......
Of all the things in this world. Of all the people in my life.
But that is not totally true.... I am feeling that right now because I am feeling so helpless and scared, but I know that this would be horrible if it were others I love and I also know that this could be so much worse.
I think about my Aunt who had no chance to say goodbye to her Mother.
Not that I plan on saying it to mine because this thing wreaking havoc inside of my Mother will not win. If I have to jump into her body and take over myself, it will not win.
I am angry that this is here.
Its like someone just dumped a huge pile of the most toxic, smelly shit on my roof and there is nothing I can do about it.
It is just here.
Like it or not.
nanny nanny boo boo
Deal with it, fat boy!
I am so fucking angry right now.
"Give it up to God" my grandmother says.... well, I ask you, if "Giving it up to God" works so damn well and this is how you say that you live your life then why does your daughter have cancer? Why is my Mother in so much pain? WHY? I WANT ANSWERS!!!
I dont like this part of life at all.
Not one fucking bit.
What a huge joke.
I am so angry I could rip the monitor off of this laptop and bash it against the wall 1000 times..
I dont think that it would end there.
Shocked.
Angry.
Scared.
Helpless.
Sad.
I have no words.
Yet, I write so many.
My mind is numb with a thousand thoughts.
Jumbled together like the crossword puzzle nobody will ever be able to find out.
I need a pause button.
I need director commentary to explain all of this to me.
I dont understand this movie.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Jibberish of a broken heart
I can speak the words, but only as if it were a story that was not my own.
I cannot think the thoughts for they are real.
The pain and fear is unimaginable.
I cant even let myself feel what could be real.
I am numb in a plastic way. Hollywood numb.
Acting.
This is not what was planned.
I live in a bubble where I dont fit in and the one person who makes me feel like its ok may not be here for as long as I need her.
On edge.
I cant slip.
I am strong and needy.
Warm me up.
Unwrap me and breathe me.
Hold me.
I am breaking inside.
Everything that I know.
Everything that I love is being threatened.
Cannot crack.
The cause is more important to protect than myself at this point.
11.
Unconditional love.
My best friend.
I cant handle this.
My biggest fear coming to realization.
I am dying inside.
I cannot think the thoughts for they are real.
The pain and fear is unimaginable.
I cant even let myself feel what could be real.
I am numb in a plastic way. Hollywood numb.
Acting.
This is not what was planned.
I live in a bubble where I dont fit in and the one person who makes me feel like its ok may not be here for as long as I need her.
On edge.
I cant slip.
I am strong and needy.
Warm me up.
Unwrap me and breathe me.
Hold me.
I am breaking inside.
Everything that I know.
Everything that I love is being threatened.
Cannot crack.
The cause is more important to protect than myself at this point.
11.
Unconditional love.
My best friend.
I cant handle this.
My biggest fear coming to realization.
I am dying inside.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Stuck
There is dirt under my fingernails and sadness on my sleeve.
This pain is stuck in a vortex of fat cells ever expanding.
Fat cells.
Soft.
Used once for protection has now become my number one enemy.
Waking up everyday with guns blazing.
Somedays are easier than others.
I am the really fat man in the doorway.
I have banished myself into seclusion.
Like Anne Frank.
No, I wasnt kidding.
The words were heard and the action took place.
3 days away.
Not sure it will make it OK.
Behind the wall.
Nobody knows.
There is dirt under my fingernails and sadness on my sleeve.
This pain is stuck in a vortex of fat cells ever expanding.
Fat cells.
Soft.
Used once for protection has now become my number one enemy.
Waking up everyday with guns blazing.
Somedays are easier than others.
I am the really fat man in the doorway.
I have banished myself into seclusion.
Like Anne Frank.
No, I wasnt kidding.
The words were heard and the action took place.
3 days away.
Not sure it will make it OK.
Behind the wall.
Nobody knows.
There is dirt under my fingernails and sadness on my sleeve.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Edies Song
I am hearing this noise outside and it is really annoying.
I am sitting in my box waiting.
Im not sure what yet.
Step One: who the fuck knows
Step Two: if I knew I would be on it or passed over it by now.
Step Three: FUCK YOU!
Ok Ok
No more angry.
I know that doesnt solve anything.
But, that damn noise is still going.
OMG
Please?!!
Music mixed with bullshit.
I hear it.
I want to dig my fingers into this keyboard as if it were playdoh.
The computer that is......not my fingers.
OMG how can Edie say she can sleep with the sound of the "raa raa raaaa"?
I could never.
You understand.
I am sitting in my box waiting.
Im not sure what yet.
Step One: who the fuck knows
Step Two: if I knew I would be on it or passed over it by now.
Step Three: FUCK YOU!
Ok Ok
No more angry.
I know that doesnt solve anything.
But, that damn noise is still going.
OMG
Please?!!
Music mixed with bullshit.
I hear it.
I want to dig my fingers into this keyboard as if it were playdoh.
The computer that is......not my fingers.
OMG how can Edie say she can sleep with the sound of the "raa raa raaaa"?
I could never.
You understand.
Monday, June 29, 2009
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