Ideas

I think this blog is too dark. It feels depressing to me. I want it to be a happy place because I am in a happy place. I don't like any of the blogger templates. Maybe it's time to move it to somewhere else. Does anyone have any ideas?

An old post I found that I never posted…

I am trapped inside myself, surrounded by over five hundred pounds of blubber. Even the most routine tasks, like taking a shower, have become an all day process that is near impossible to accomplish. Walking from the couch to well anywhere really is the equivalent of a 5k marathon. My ankles are buckling in on me and I am starting to look like a cripple. All of my sneakers (slip-on’s only) are misshapen from the odd direction that my ankles twist my feet to support my girth. I can no longer wear underwear because it gets caught in my many folds of fat and causes burn marks that I am unable to reach and therefore cannot treat for healing. It’s just easier to go without. To put deodorant on I have to press my right arm against the wall to force it to reach far enough across my chest towards my left armpit and then repeat the process to reach the other side. This is a technique that I have become accustomed to doing for many self cleaning routines where things are too hard to reach beyond the fat that is incasing my bones. After years of this it feels kind of normal. Doesn’t everyone live like this?

Reflecting–Video Blog

Pictures

Where have I been?

I have not used this blog in a very long time. A lot has happened in the last year since I have been here. My Moms fight ended in February 2011 and a deep depression followed. My weight ballooned out of control. On March 1, 2011 I got on the scale and it read 497lbs. I stood there in tears. I got off of the scale, took the batteries out, and hid it in my closet. Denial. My depression went deeper. I ate my feelings. A LOT of feelings!! I refused to ever get back on that scale. I knew when I did I was going to see that it was over 500lbs. I couldn’t see it. Denial. I ate non stop (Literally).
Sample Day of what I was eating:
Wake up and eat 4 Jimmy Dean Croissant Sandwiches with what I know now from drinking water was 32oz of chocolate milk.
Lunch would be 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches stuffed with peanut butter and jelly and sometimes (more times than not) I would put lightly salted(because that’s not so bad, right?) potato chips inside the sandwiches. I can still taste it and my addiction brain says Yummmmm… my logical brain says YOUR INSANE! I finish these sandwiches off with yet another 32oz of chocolate milk.. after all it was low fat so that’s ok, right? NOT!
Dinner would usually be fast food.. my main go-to was Wendys. Even the thought of what I am telling you is making my stomach turn. I would get 8 Jr. bacon Cheeseburgers.. with mayo only.. no lettuce or tomato.. who the hell needs it? A large fry.. and then another small fry just incase I wasn’t full yet.. SICK SICK SICK.. then I had to get a 5 piece chicken nugget which I would lie to myself about and say it was for the dog.. yea right! If the poor thing got one he was lucky!
So after reading that you tell me how much weight you think I could have gained between March 1 and April 25? Yea, exactly. I was well over 500lbs, but I didn’t want to see it so thank God the scale was neatly tucked away in the closet keeping all my secrets for me.
On April 22 I was sitting on the couch and the thought hit me…. “what the hell are you doing to yourself?” “you are 33 years old are you are killing yourself.”
The voice in my head was loud and persistent that night and I couldn’t ignore it. I got up and went to the computer and started googling weight loss. It all seemed impossible. I went to all the well known websites.. Weight Watchers Online (I could never bring myself to actually go to a meeting).. Jenny Craig (but they wanted me to talk to someone on the phone.. hell no I wasn’t going to discuss how huge I was with someone).. and then I went to NutriSystem… well ok so I decided I was going to order it… All online.. they send you the stuff in the mail.. no talking to anyone.. Perfect.. I put in all my information and then they ask you for your current weight.. I entered 497 because that was all I knew from 2 months earlier and was NOT going re-weigh and be faced with my reality. I entered my weight and clicked submit. A response comes up on the screen and says (not actually, but still…) I'm sorry, but you are too fat to do NutriSystem. Please go see your doctor.
I cried.
I went back to the living room and sat there face red and wet with tears. A memory came to me. In 2005 I had gone to see a gastric bypass doctor. I was 410lbs at that time and was terrified of the surgery. The doctor said well why don’t you try MediFast? He explained what it was, I said ok and left. I never went back to him nor did I look into MediFast. Now here I am with this memory again so I got up and went to investigate. I placed my first order. I didn’t expect too much, but I figured I would try. My first day of Medifast was April 25, 2011. Now today, 9 months later, my life is completely different. I have lost 200lbs (using the 497lbs so I am positive that its actually more, but being in total denial I will never really know). I still have 150lbs to lose, but the journey so far has been nothing short of amazing.
In the continuation of this blog I am going to talk about the ups and downs of the journey so far and as it continues. Enjoy!
-David